Acceptance.

2011-10-30T23:04:00.002+08:00

When people screw up stuff, they blame others.

Can't y'all just screw yourselves.

When we were kids

2011-09-18T05:33:00.002+08:00

Everyone has a story to tell, to describe these few months.

It's been a long time since I've blogged.

Ever since internship, I feel like I've changed.

Heck we've all changed, one way or another.

We all said we learned about life, and how to live. I don't think I've ever truly learned about life, after seeing what some of the kids in the world have been through. We always thought our life sucked.

Take a long good look in the mirror and stare at yourself and think about this: Some people in the world can't even look at themselves in the mirror.

I've seen the pain and agony many others have gone through, and I am ashamed of what I thought about my life. I lead a great life, and yet I am always complaining.

I learned life may suck at some point, we don't complain.

We just learn from it and move on.

Seven boys showed me that, and despite having broken lives they goes through life with simplicity, laughter and smiles.

We're saved.

2011-08-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

When life seem to get you down, always look up.

And you'll realize it never gets as beautiful as this.

- Lost Love -

2011-05-12T22:00:00.000+08:00

To see that one person needing you so much

It does really make you wonder whether you're doing enough for them.

- Blue, black -

2011-04-23T16:09:00.002+08:00

I would die for you, my love.

I hope it becomes successful.

- Diary -

2011-04-13T22:58:00.003+08:00

Internship's begun.

I Miss autonomy.

Miss nowhere.

Miss androgyny.

Miss don't care.

Misused.

Misguided.
Misfortune

Miss so soon

Miss matter

Misconstrued
Misled.

So I'll waste my time, and I'll burn my mind

on miss nothing.

I will try to find my place.

Never wanted you to feel.

Never wanted you to steal.. my heart.

I'm falling all over myself.

Dyin' to be someone else

I'd wish you would dare to walk me home

I don't wanna fight the world alone.

- . -

2011-03-16T00:17:00.007+08:00

Dead tired.
I didn't do much for my own part for the YEP trip. Guilty.
Going out everyday, and everyday coming home just to end up quarreling with my parents.
.
It's sucks to fight with parents everyday. Exhausting.
I know I sound weak or cliche, but imma need of someone to be there.
.
Thinking about going to Cambodia, I just realized I'm seriously going to be alone.
Honestly, I feel damn sad leaving Singapore even if it's for the mere two weeks.
Without my own friends.
And apparently the only friend I could call my own isn't.
I just don't know how to tell anyone this perpetual sadness and fear I've been feeling.
.
Never in my life have I been that sad.
Yeah.
I've opened up. Emotionally unblocked.
.
If any one sees this,
listen to the whole song.
Exactly what I'm feeling now.
I'd wish you would dare to walk me home.
Please, I don't want to fight the world alone.

Just start talking to me.

For the broken hearted.

2011-03-14T04:05:00.000+08:00

I really can't believe
that you are gone
feelings of misery
I`m feeling alone
how can i sleep at night
oh please hurry home
let me apologize
cause i know i was wrong.

Why did you leave me alone.

Finale.

2011-03-12T23:32:00.004+08:00

It's was before the holidays we first met.

During so, you were the only one kind enough to celebrate my birthday despite the exams.

From so on, we talked about things from day to night.

Hanging out day and night.

Talking about the future like we had a clue,

but never planned that one day, I'll be losing you.

Obviously, you've forgotten about the five year pact.

The pact that says we'll still be good friends.

I tried keeping that, but you're not.

Previously, I should have told you how much you meant to me as a good friend

and now I've paid the price.

Here I thought, we can keep all our promises, like it's us against the world.

But you turned your back for some chick.

Like whatever we said was pure nonsense.

Seriously, I thought you were the one of the most dependable, loyal, considerate, understanding person who won't turn your back on your friends.

But apparently after our last talk, you lied.

If given another chance, I would seriously try to make you stay.

So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.

and tell everyone that now you're just a memory. A past. A story.

A story that ended based on lies and pain, and that the five year pact never ever came to light.

~~17th October 2010.~~

I gotta walk away first. It still hurts.

If you'd treated me like a real friend, you would have done something about it.

But you didn't.

This is my final post for you, dude.

A finale.

- . -

2011-03-08T22:01:00.002+08:00

Can't understand why that feeling of hate arises.

I'm not suppose to care or what anymore, right?

Perhaps I can't do anything.

Sean, you can't give up or hold on.

This is probably worse than having either one of the two.

I don't want to have to always give in.

But I always do.

And that's why maybe this time it's especially painful.

I don't get why you can just look me in the eye, and pretend nothing happens.

Or pretend that you're still living a perfect life.

I don't get why you can lie about what you said before, and not commit.

I don't get why you think I always have to give in.

Just disappear from my life completely, or come back.

Don't stay within my sight.

Just this once.

- . -

2011-03-07T13:04:00.003+08:00

Going out everyday without exercising.

My fats all piling up sia.

I hate you.

- When time's up -

2011-03-04T15:39:00.002+08:00

Four weeks.

Being literally ignored sucks.

I won't ever make the same mistake again.

School's over.

I feel sad that I'm not able to take my train rides with Del and disturb her for another 4-5 months hehe.

I'm sad that I wont be able to see my classmates during that period

I miss all the stupid things we do in school

I miss thinking about what we should eat after lesson ends.

I miss waiting for lessons to end.

I miss sleeping in lectures.

But I'm never gonna miss you.

Ever.

Leaving someone heart broken and sad is what you guys did.

Never even tryin' these past few weeks.

Making me feel weak and vulnerable.

Making me feel less like a man.

Making me feel desperate for help

Making me feel irritating because I feel like a pest.

Making me feel alone after two years of being together.

Making me feel pathetic for needing someone when it's suppose to be natural.

Making me feel lost when i always had that perfect vision.

Making me feel that broken pieces of my life couldn't be salvaged after approaching so many people. And I mean MANY.

Making me shed unnecessary tears that I now thought stupid.

And the worst,

Making me feel crappy because you guys only wallow in your self pity and insecurities and lies.

But through all these, I found life outside of that stupid, self pity, low life that I lead.

Better friends and better people.

A change in my life, a good one.

After what I did for you guys, I feel used.

You're evil, that's what you are.

And truthfully, I'm so much better without you these past few weeks.

Finally feel numb to feel anything right now.

Hope you guys enjoy each other's lone companion cause i can only describe you as pathetic.

Thanks and bye.

Im not apologizing for lashing out because you guys are the worst.

Anyways, enough of my anger.

I'm tortured enough these past few weeks.

EXAMS ARE OVER.

2 YEARS OFFICIALLY PAST.

FREEDOM FOR 2 WEEKS.

yeah.

Class outing yesterday.

Singing todayyyyy

Soccer tmrrrrrrr.

Life's good.

- Two down -

2011-03-01T16:15:00.003+08:00

Maybe we all need to tell lies at some point of time.

Where's the grey area in the world which we all once seek?
All there's left is black and white.

Feel like our world's been infected.

Exams' in a couple of hours.
Liberation after that.

Till' then, stay low and keep them waiting.

- . -

2011-03-01T05:31:00.002+08:00

Omg.

Cambodia trip in two weeks

Internship for four months (Please be good)

Japan/cruise for 1-2 weeks!

Hyperventilating. Excited.

Wheeeee.

- Impossible -

2011-02-27T23:07:00.002+08:00

People change, but they change back to what they were.

You'll never know one person's history, or even his/her past.

Because it could very well be something he/she intentionally hides from you.

It really sucks to realize that you've done so much for him/her and realize what kind of a person he/she truly is.

Deceit, lies, tragedy.

One thing though, it doesn't matter if I got deceived.

I just hope you won't be the one at the receiving end though, looking at how you're putting so much on the line now.

I really miss you guys.

Life's good.

Studying outside everyday beats cooping up at home.

2 more days till the end of biology!

Literally have been studying almost everywhere.

Please let the paper be an easy one :D

- . -

2011-02-27T08:02:00.002+08:00

You're awesome :D

I need a doctor.

- . -

2011-02-24T23:11:00.002+08:00

Polaroid :D

Biology is srsly dry.

Why study our own body? It doesn't help with what we're doing in our course.

Bleah.

One more week!

Just one more, and I'm no longer a year 2 student!

Down side: you're getting older.

Crap.

-.-

2011-02-21T23:59:00.002+08:00

Leading the low life these days has been painfully calm.
Leaving the school compound after the law test was, sad.

I thought about the times whether I did make a big mistake.
And I thought I had them figured out.
It's true though, about my life being taken over completely by what's his name.
What I realize is that I'm holding on to nothing.
Three more weeks and things would be finally be set in place.

With me always being the left one out, I started to doubt everything.
Recalling that every memory of mine comes with a price.
The never-ending cycle of always being left alone after being the best friend.
It sucks to be stuck in a triangle relationship.
I thought this would be different,
but I never imagined we'd end like this.
I'd feel you forget me like how I used to see you breathe.
I'd never thought that was the last time our eyes meet.

Thought things could change after I did, but it didn't.
but it''s okay. Life has its up and down.
We're all still growing up now right?

I just regret being the one incapable of holding on to what's left of us.
Because I can't afford to get hurt once more just waiting for those I call friends.
Time doesn't heal all wounds; it deepens the pain.
Now it's nice where we're are.

I dont wanna waste another day
Keeping it inside, it's killing me.
Cause' all I ever want
it comes right down to you.

- 3th March 2011

- . -

2011-02-19T10:37:00.002+08:00

Lawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawlaw.

Being a lawyer is definitely out of my list of occupations now.

Gymming and going out after next week's test :)

Either ways, it hurts.

-.-

2011-02-19T00:47:00.003+08:00

I'm becoming weaker day by day.

I just want a happy time in school.

A memorable semester.

And when I graduate, I don't want to be sad, or even unhappy in the tiniest bit.

Time waits for no man.

We are all growing up too soon.

Perhaps it's time,

to let go.

- . -

2011-02-18T06:51:00.001+08:00

People change all the time.
They can make you, break you or even leave you.
They can find all sorts of reasons to justify their changes in character.
But that doesn't mean you have to, Sean.
Don't ever change.

- . -

2011-02-16T22:08:00.002+08:00

Jokes, life's tiring.

I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time,

I need a doctor, doctor to bring me back to life.

- . -

2011-02-16T01:23:00.003+08:00

Yeah, sure.

I'm always the childish, immature, selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless, unkind, useless, unreliable, unrealistic, lame, stupid, nonsensical one.

Perhaps, then I should give up on what I do for everyone and see how things change.

I don't want to think like this, but everyone's giving me the reason to.

Perhaps, people see only what they want to see for themselves, never trying to understand what is it like being on the other side.

I just messed up my counselling reflections to help my group salvage a stupid project.

I have not studied because I seriously have no time, and have to complete another project

I have not done anything internship-related because I have to finalize the stupid report

I don't understand what is going on, and everyone is refusing to tell me because they assume I know, or understand.

I'm getting criticized so heavily by many that I think it's not even worth it.

Everyone thinks I'm a hardcore mugger, or slacker which I think is totally contradicting.

Everyone's doing things that they think they can do, but apparently I cannot.

I have little people to tell this to because the rest always seem to assume the worst of me.

People always assume that I know stuff and I don't tell them, when I ALWAYS do.

I always try to help others improve by telling them in a casual way, to push them and motivate them when they clearly cant take the hint.

Seriously, I cannot handle all this at once.

No one's letting me any air to breathe.

People have the choice to do all this, but they choose not to.

And when they fail to do so, and I did it, they blame me for being a mugger or nerdy.

When all they clearly do is procrastinate.

Procrastinating is totally up to you, just don't blame me for your faults.

Don't use me as a thing that you can throw your tantrum on.

I'm seriously sick of it.

Everyone's whining about their sad lives and how they have no motivation to live when they clearly have their families and friends.

I don't even speak to my family, and even my own friends are doing it to me.

I can't find a person to actually understand how I feel.

There's basically no air for me to breathe anymore.

If one more person says I have studied, or am ready for exams or whatever.

Forget about speaking to me.

Cause clearly you don't know crap about my feelings.

Oh yeah, and if anyone says I know stuff that I dont tell people, you will find out what it means to know nothing at all.

And you think I'm childish?

Think again.

I'm through acting kiddish or funny with anyone.

Sean, just deal with it.

The world is tired of you.

- . -

2011-02-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

Life's tough, get over it.

Please don't let me down now.

- Wheeee -

2011-02-15T01:55:00.001+08:00

Excited for the first time in a few weeks!
And now can't sleep.

Want to watch 200 pounds of beauty :)

- . -

2011-02-14T23:49:00.004+08:00

- A life as a youthful, happy teenager,

or a life filled with sorrow? -

Months have gone by, and my life has been at it's lowest point it has ever gone.

Not only myself, many others too.

Has it been too long, that we just cannot take the time to think?

To reflect on what has been actually going on these past few months.

I lost my way, and evidently many others have as well.

Isn't life suppose to be that way?

To lose your way, and be able to find the courage to seek out new paths.

Many do, but along the way people get lost.

A tragedy, to see those abandoned along the way.

To see no one has helped them.

This year, I lost my way.

Admittedly, some helped, and I really appreciated it.

But it was not enough.

I may have been too demanding, or selfish.

But thinking about it, we do not want the cycle to repeat itself do we?

To do the same to others, leaving them abandoned.

I will try to find my way this time,

and I will do it differently.

And when the light finally hits your eyes,

it will tell you whether you were right.

I'm terrified to feel again for the first time.

Do I need to risk it all, and come this far just to fall again?

- . -

2011-02-14T22:22:00.001+08:00

Boom.

I have no idea what to do now.

Just hope some sort of guidance comes along the way.

- After everything -

2011-02-12T22:51:00.003+08:00

Finally a long, long sleep.

But then you also finally wake to find yourself looking at the bigger picture.

That things have changed.

That one month plus have passed without your knowing.

It has been tough, living what has been called a quiet life these past few weeks.

Assignments in school have been crazy, but the worst is it has driven apart so many people.

I'm not too excited about the internship, because the distance itself scares me.

And it's not exactly something to be excited about.

But maybe those 4 months can allow me to change myself.

I'm afraid that the time alone can destroy what I've built over the past 2 years,

But I'm hoping that something better can come along.

Anyways, it just hurt to know someone can just refuse to acknowledge your existence.

Those times you've changed and pushed away your responsibilities.

Can someone really be so tempted by love, by worldly desires?

So as to push away everything else?

I just hope I don't become like that when the time comes.

-.-

2011-02-10T11:12:00.001+08:00

I need to do more for others.

Not to be so selfish.

5 days.

- . -

2011-02-08T04:43:00.005+08:00

It feels numb to not have the most people important here in my life.

Especially when I need them at such a critical stage.

Everyone's putting so much pressure on me, and I can't deal with it all.

People say "Time will heal everything".

My answer?

It doesn't.

Time just goes.

And just like time, I'm going off too.

4 months of not being in class may just work. It may not.

Think I'm just too naive to believe in something that doesn't exist.

So yeah, now slowly you and everyone's stupid beliefs about never lasting friendship got to me.

When all of you don't even make the effort.

I feel like poly life is so messed up, but somehow you guys can leave me neglected.

A time limit is stupid. I'm relying on something that shouldn't even be existent between true friends.

- Love the present -

2011-02-05T13:23:00.002+08:00

The rest of your life is a long time, and whether you know it or not,

It's being shaped right now.

You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, on bad luck, or bad choices.

Or you can fight back.

Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is.

But for the most of time, you get what you give.

One question, what's worse?

Not getting everything you wished for?

Or getting it, but finding out it's not enough?

The rest of your life is being shaped right now,

with the dreams you chase, the choices you make,

and the person you decide to be...

the rest of your life is a long time, and the rest of your life starts right now.

- . -

2011-02-04T12:06:00.003+08:00

A: Why hold on so tightly when all you achieve is pain and sorrow?

B: "Cause I can't let go. It's too damn hard.

A: Is it worth it?

B: No.

A:Then why let the joys of the past haunt you when you can go out and create pleasant, happier memories for yourself?

B: I... It's hard.

A: Don't think you're going through this alone, we'll start slow.

B: What?

A: We'll begin with baby steps, and I will help you through it. I'll hold your hand so if you fall, you have someone there to pick you up, and finally get you through the finishing line.

B: A...

A: Yeah?

B: Thanks for being there.

A: Hehe... What are friends for?

Is it really that hard for you just to be a friend?

10 days.

- . -

2011-02-02T20:23:00.000+08:00

We need change.

2011-02-01T00:12:00.003+08:00

Two days of Hiatus made me think.

I'm so sorry.

I still miss those days.

And my lewd perception failed me,

and I was blinded.

And I'm trying to give both of us a chance.

A fighting chance.

Before it's gone forever.

- Brink of giving up -

2011-01-28T05:48:00.003+08:00

It was raining when they left.

Leaving me there, one person standing within the school boundaries.

I can't tell them anything, because I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore.

I admit it was different. Being alone out there.

Entering lecture alone was weird, different.

Wandering around the school lost and wet, different.

Getting lost in the rain was weird.

IDK if lonely is the word, but seeing them happy made me happy.

But I didn't expect history would repeat.

And knowing this, they still did it.

Thanks for being by my side for half my school life.

I tried using my best effort to talk.

But you threw it back in my face.

Guess it was all really a facade when you told others otherwise.

- Humans -

2011-01-22T23:15:00.002+08:00

Is it really that hard to admit your mistake?
Are humans really so afraid to admit mistakes they made?

Even if you really think it's not your fault, why can't you just approach me for once?
Just ask or even acknowledge that I'm there?

I feel guilty, until today, for having said those words.
And to tell you the truth. It also came as a shock to me.
But honestly, when you changed your whole personality, you thought you had justification for it.
And you didn't even apologize.
But when I made one mistake, you condemned me.
I dont think it's fair.
It never is.

But now, I got my worst punishment -Having no friends, no life.
But I sincerely wish all the best for you guys.
As they say:
one life ends, another begins.

If it's truly worth it to pursue love and leave your friends hanging on, then yeah.
But know this: I will never ever do it to my friends, after having experience it for the third time.
And as for the five years pact, know that I'm not gonna give up on it because I still believe that somewhere deep inside you lies a really good friend.
But I'll leave it up to you.
To break it, or make it,
To hate me, or finally tell me you've forgiven me.
I'll keep holding on.

I'm truly sorry.

- . -

2011-01-17T01:42:00.002+08:00

It ended where it began.

it hurts to be abandoned time and again.

- . -

2010-12-24T00:45:00.002+08:00

I finally know the answer.
My answer.
Turns out it does not have to have a bad ending.
Perhaps not.
No doubt, endings are hard.
But then again,
nothing ever really ends, does it?

I made a promise.
It's never too late.

-.-

2010-12-22T22:41:00.002+08:00

I just don't understand what is wrong with me.
I can't explain my sudden outburst of emotions.
I don't know what is happening anymore.
Help.

I need to talk to someone badly. It's all too hard for me to understand.
Is it...

2010-12-21T00:00:00.000+08:00

With every minute ticking away.
This is how I feel.

- Holiday -

2010-12-12T03:04:00.002+08:00

I guess you needed to be free when you took a holiday from me.

- Last -

2010-12-08T21:34:00.003+08:00

Going through endless cycle of misery, we often do things that get us trapped, unable to handle the relentless waves of disappointment and pain we face. I know I'm always trying to be the one starting conversations, making jokes and being the start of something new.

But that's just it.

I'm the start, always the first to talk to friends and have fun. But no one ever finishes their chapter of their life with me. I was hurt once. Twice. And now I'm going to face a possible third one. I used all my energy and effort to talk to someone. And now, someone has moved on. I don't know if there's a problem with me or what. But I do know its hard being the friend that will be left at the sidelines. The friend who will become alone in the end.

I don't know if i really should try to change, to be someone that doesn't care. But I can't.
When I discussed this, some said they will try to change. But nevertheless I still had to start the conversation rolling with them. People never change, and despite my naivety to change oothers, people don't reciprocate.
I'm desperately hoping for some kind of release; moving on. And I admit that although being a atheist, I found my self praying on the sidelines.

I prayed not for money.
Not for fame.
Not for luck.
But for these friends.
Friends whom I know will never reciprocate my efforts, and that despite a starting a story with each of them, I will never get to finish that story with them because they will only finish it with others.

What I'm really trying to say is, I sincerely hope they finish their story. Their story is half written with others, while my story is still unwritten.
And I'm praying for the day when that someone completes my story for me.
With me.

2010-12-05T11:56:00.001+08:00

I realize it's hard for anyone to listen anymore.

- So Much -

2010-11-26T01:21:00.008+08:00

There's just a lot to say.
I realize that in this lifetime, I won't be able to finish what I want to say.
To those who I care for, and to those who I love.

But I realize the more I say, the more issues will surface.
And the more doubts will possibly appear.
I gave up on what I held so strongly on too.
Because I know I can't let go.
So I won't say anything anymore. At least the things that I think that will bring up more issues.
Because in this life, there are certainly too many things to say.

In this life, I'd think that to keep your loved ones by your side, to keep them safe, is to keep them from knowing anything more.
Because you might end up hurting them
So it's best that some things remain unspoken.
At least for now.
I'm trying to suppress my thoughts so badly.
And forever let those thoughts pass away, deep down into the unconscious.
And allow it to be lost. Forever.
I have to try.

Hear me: This hole is deeper by the hour. My hands are bleeding, I spin around and you're nowhere. I tried making plans but you dont appreciate. I'll throw away my ugly plans because they're too tired to push me anywhere, but down. If I am found below ground, I'm searching, desperate.

- Dashed -

2010-11-22T21:21:00.002+08:00

It's okay not to tell me anything.
Just don't deny it when I tell you about it.
Once again, the insider becomes the outsider.

- Neglect; forgiveness -

2010-11-18T00:40:00.009+08:00

A and B got together, and it all ended for me.

It seems like the world is trying to tell me something.
It's like things will never work out for me within a three-way friendship.
It used to be so exclusive, and I was the best friend.
Now I lost that right, and I have to admit I'm trying to keep my distance.
But you have to admit, you didnt try to save this situation.
I always try to talk to either one of you, only to have it thrown in my face.
When I text either of you, I get patronized instead.
Don't say you didnt, because you did.
I tested both of you when you guys didn't know what was going on.
And true enough, I got my answers.

A:
The text replies I receive from you now is just different.
"k."
"Okays."
"Fine."
"Nvm."
You don't text, or just patronize.
You don't share, and you are overly emotional.
You're always distracted when I'm around; it's like you dont even care.
And saying those three words doesn't mean anything.
It's just some way of yours to solve a situation.
You just want to avoid confrontations, and you think it works when you say those three words.
But it sure as hell doesn't.
I hate it.
Your changed behavior to want to make things easier make me hate that.
But you change when you're around B.
I know I'm tryin' to ignore you now.
And know that by posting this, I don't want you to cry.
I want you to know by posting this,
I love you.
And what you're doing to me hurts.

B:
And no matter how hard you convince yourself, you're also different when you're around A.
I know you might not care anymore, because that's your character.
You thought that people should be more mature, and face the fact that one day friendships will get worn out.
But didnt you think that maybe it's your maturity that ruined all emotional closeness you had with someone?
But know this:
The feeling of not caring will eventually hurt one day.
I know you said I was naive.
But I'm just tryin' damn hard to help you.
You said before, that you get tired of old things easily.
Maybe it's starting to happen.
And you said you' never got drunk before.
But this time, it's like you're too drunk to care for any word I said.
And when you sided with A,
I knew I lost my right as a friend; a good one.
It bloody hurts.

The underlying point
People think I'm jealous or what.
But I'm friggin' not.
I just want A and B to talk to me normally, and make me feel exclusive again.
Just make me feel like a friend again.
I'm friggin angry.
It pains when I'm there talking to you, and you're texting each other.
and the fact that you guys have to cover up what you text each other hurts.
Just say the word, and I'll leave.
I know A and B will flare up when they see this.
And know this: I 'm still hoping.

I just hope for the times when we just chatted until non-stop.
Long text messages and jokes.
Now everything seem to be so sensitive, emotional and plain when Im with either A or B.
Now I don't know anything, and anything that A and B share between each other,
I will never know.
All because A is afraid I'll be angry, and B doesn't care for a friend.
It really hurts.
When my family kicked me out, and you promised that you guys will be there for me
But nothing.
That's possibly the worst feeling you can get.
So before you get angry, just remember.
You have your family for your support, and each other.
And while A and B are laughing and having fun.
I felt the worst.

Thanks for the broken promises.
And I know I'm a selfish bastard for even posting this.
Just for now, I am through
and it's all because of you.

A and B got together, and it all ended for me.

- It's difficult -

2010-11-06T23:56:00.004+08:00

Why believe that this moment will pass?
I've met too many people who believe so strongly in a future that is seemingly bleak.
People have called me innocent, naive and what-not.
But why try to destroy what I believe in?
Why can't we just feel like when we're 6,
And believe in the very existence of fairies and dreams?

It hurts.
Today, three hearts were broken. You try to change what a person thinks, and it turns against you. The epiphany that what you hope to gain always comes with a price: loss. What life's disease offers, is what we have to suffer. and what it brings, is what I've come to realize.
The ultimate victory, is the loss of people's faith in each other.
That's what people believe their greatest acheivement is.
And what they call proud, is what I call regrets.
'Cause life shouldn't be measured by achievements.
Maybe you can call me naive, or immature.
Maybe I don't have all the answers to life's disease.
Or maybe there is no answer at all.
But why struggle to seek out answers by achieving when we can embrace the fact that the human mind is all but filled with riddles and answers?
Perhaps the human mind is what people aim to dig deep, to understand, and to seek out answers.
Maybe, possibly, there is no answers.
According to biology, each human mind is unique; The genetic make-up of which is special and individualised.
And if it is so, why can't we just stop pursuing what each human thinks when you know there is no definite answer to everything, because everything's unique.
If we stop trying to hard, maybe life's easier.
I'll tell you the answer to mine.
It hurts.

- What would you do. -

2010-10-27T21:35:00.004+08:00

School's started just two days back and it's intense.
Never thought it took more than what I needed to sustain my being and living in school.
.
.
And it sucks to have a sore throat. Seriously.
Everything is awkward, not to mention friends and even people you don't really know.
.
.
Well, it's night now and I actually hope this week's school schedule will pass quickly (counting down, 19 weeks left).
Because I know something wrong will happen very soon.
Wrong yet strong enough for two lives to be saved, or taken.
Believe you me.
It will.
.

Ididntwannadoitbuticaughtherinthehouseandidon'tknowhowitsmadeandiwantherbuttherewasnosuchwaytolether getdragandthenextdayisawheronthetelevisionandshewassenttodoamissionandleftfordeadandguesswhoherpartnerwas

- . -

2010-10-18T22:42:00.002+08:00

You found a way
To escape the gates you so dearly hope to escape.
When you realize that the best way out is the being inside.
What happened to them?

- Suffocate -

2010-10-13T12:46:00.003+08:00

Today, I learned a good lesson.
People spin webs of lies to defend themselves.
Then again, some tell lies to protect others.

2010-09-29T23:49:00.000+08:00

I really need assurance.

- Graduating: Life -

2010-09-24T22:48:00.002+08:00

Just wasting whatever time I have by blogging.
So,
Three semester has gone by, and a lot has changed. Friends, family and even life.
Seriously, life gets harder when we age.
At some time we'll eventually find out that life never gets easy with time. Never.
We all want to think that life becomes easier when we grow up.
It doesn't.
.
Reality sucks.
Sometimes, it teaches people a lesson.
Sometimes, it changes them.
Indeed, reality is cruel; A invincible tyrant that does things to people, forcing you to do things that make you regret your choices in the end.
.
Life's hard as it is but people fail to understand that, it is their own choices that makes their own life horrible.
Lives, tied down by poor choices and thoughts that becomes so strong it creates monsters.
Monsters that we call fear, hate, love, anger or even sadness.
.
We all just need one reason, one thought to create these monsters.
For me, life's hard because I failed to see, to appreciate, and to understand the better things that life has presented me.
.
What's your reason?

- It's okay -

2010-09-24T00:42:00.002+08:00

There's a crack in the door.
I heard a child's scream, begging us please no more
Bruises fade, but the pain that you kept us being afraid hurts.

When we landed on these cold steps, we felt fear of what we might see again.
The strength is from no one but ourselves.
The bruises fade, and we'll deny everything.
But it's really okay.
At least, I know I'm okay

- Jobs and oh well, nothing -

2010-09-23T16:47:00.002+08:00

Head has been hurting for quite a while now, doesn't seem to fade.
And I failed to find a steady job, sucks.

- Pains, grief and the Sun goes down -

2010-09-19T11:32:00.003+08:00

I had chances, maybe for eternity.

Chance:
Everything looks better; but when the sun goes down
Don't deny the pain; the pain I could see in your eyes.
A glance and it seriously makes me wanna die.

Chance:
The moon on the rise.
Your eyes. I could see grief in those eyes.
I'm afraid I'll never be good enough.

Chance:
Know that I would lie for you, my love.
Know that I'll steal for you, my love.
And it's hard to say it when you can't see eye to eye.
And I can't too, because I failed to look down.

Please show me all the things I should have known, for I have fallen.
For I am blinded by the realities of this world.
I can't apologize, because it's no use.
Just allow me one chance to see everything I need to know.
In those eyes.

- Expect -

2010-09-13T19:26:00.002+08:00

School's over for now.
And I'm friggin bored.

How can you expect me to just move on?
When you're what I live for, you're all I know.

- Regrets -

2010-09-09T22:35:00.001+08:00

It came to a sad end.

- . -

2010-08-30T01:30:00.004+08:00

Went to the library alone for the first time in a few years.

Couldn't concentrate much as I went to the children's section to study.

And again, I failed to complete my studies because I was distracted like crap.

Anyways, after that I went to Tampines to watch Liar Game with kel and yvonne.

The show is quite interesting :0

Oh, the temptation of watching the series.

Went back to Wlds lib to study with Yvonne though, and i was kinda happy to finish two chpt :)

met up with kel after his family gathering and went to play pool.

It doesn't matter what I do, since you went away

I'm making new plans, but you're just not in it.

You took a holiday from us,

This ain't no holiday for me.

What am I suppose to do, when my love burns for you.

- K -

2010-08-28T01:38:00.002+08:00

Studied at RP until 5pm today, after which Kel, Yvonne and I slacked around at CWP until we went to sing K.
Surprised Elyn at her house on her birthday :)

The passion we had once
died with the flames
It is what we used to call love.

- Life, Liar Game and all that -

2010-08-27T01:53:00.001+08:00

Slacked at kel's house until it was time to go play pool!
I only memorized one chapter from one module.
I'm so dead next week.

- Bored -

2010-08-25T22:43:00.002+08:00

22 August 2010
Celebrated Yvonne's birthday!

23 August 2010
Can't remember much, just went to Delphi's house to do stuff for Adel until 3 plus?

24 August 2010
Shopped for Adel's stuff arnd CCK with wl, and reached Adel's house with Delphi at around 8?

25 August 2010
Slacked at cwp with Kel, Yvonne and Hk until 10.

My memory's becoming fuzzier by the second. Talk about Alzheimer's?
And I gotta start studying for real!
:(

- . -

2010-08-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

Studied at Kelvin's house, and played ps again.
Went to Chinatown after that to see luggage bags.
.
.
.
Some girls from a food store asked me to help them unlock their cash box, because they thought I could read english.
Turns out I can't.
What was written on the cash box wasn't English.
Grah.

You just can't keep your hands to yourself

- Fortune and luck -

2010-08-20T18:19:00.002+08:00

Regretted skipping the session at SCC to attend some job for one day.
Spend $70 + going around Singapore to work.
Damn.

- I lost you -

2010-08-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

Supposed to study with yvonne at CWP.
In the end, we got sucked into watching Step Up 3D, with kelvin coming later in the afternoon.
The show was kinda a let down.
Expected more from it though :(
Slacked at kelvin's house until midnight from then.
.
.
And I didn't get to study again.
Next week:
STUDY and MEMORIZE

We lost ourselves.
Our love has died.
Although we tried, you're tired.
We lost a child; we lost the fight.

- . -

2010-08-19T06:57:00.000+08:00

I'm stumped by decision makings.

- Stay -

2010-08-18T19:18:00.002+08:00

Badminton at cck with adel, delphi and weilun.
Apparently, i need more exercise!

.

.

Now i wanna sleep soon and my parents are making noise.
When is peace ever gonna come?

Fragile quilts of faded memories,
torn apart by life's disease
again

I miss everything.

- Blub -

2010-08-17T00:48:00.001+08:00

Went to Kelvin's house and slack there the whole day, playing PS.
I love family feud!
.
.
.
10.35pm;
That horrible feeling came back.

I failed to feel your heartbeat when you said you love me.
Now there's one more lonely person.

- XSleep -

2010-08-16T06:05:00.003+08:00

Too much sleep makes my head hurt.
I'm going to try studying now.

- No more -

2010-08-15T03:25:00.001+08:00

Yeah. No more emo stuff.

- Sick -

2010-08-14T17:38:00.000+08:00

Great, I'm sick.

- First Floor People -

2010-08-10T01:51:00.001+08:00

Prepared people, take your places on deck.

I’m a lost boy with no one to tell me I am safe

- Painkillers and white light -

2010-08-09T01:33:00.002+08:00

We all need a dose of painkillers.
To live in a fantasy world, to avoid all the pain and all the loss.
Deceiving ourselves, escaping is all part of life.

We often don't look hard enough, to find that peace lay dormant in each of us.
A realm that people often overlook.

To embrace the pain, to understand what it actually means to be human.
It's the only way.
The only way to find peace within ourselves.

- Wastage -

2010-08-06T02:49:00.002+08:00

I can barely keep my eyes upon.
Not to mention being unable to finish my report.
I'm wandering around with my eyes wide shut.

I can't find the strength anymore.

- War -

2010-08-05T08:01:00.002+08:00

After battling countless enemies, how do you stay alive after realizing that you, yourself is the biggest enemy?

- Essence -

2010-08-01T02:07:00.002+08:00

I over-estimated our friendship.
My estimation was wrong.
We just need some time to re-connect.
Maybe I should have tried to put your needs first
But my priorities were messed up
And you got hurt.
I always knew what you were going through, but I didn't take the time to understand your pain.

But I just got back what I almost lost.
And I hope we'll never lose that.
What's left is the bare essence of human soul.

- Hello pain, goodbye life -

2010-07-30T01:21:00.002+08:00

I'm tired of justifying what I did
So I'm just gonna say
We get lost at times, and sometimes the world isn't painted as it is to be.
I hope the pain finally subsides, and we can find a way out of this.
Let's try to embrace what might come as pain.
and say good bye to what we see as happiness, as life.

- Regrets and broken hearts -

2010-07-25T09:50:00.004+08:00

We always tell ourselves not to do stupid things
Things that we will regret in the end.
Trapped in this world, a prison with no way out.
No door, no single window.

Perhaps what we fear the most is the seemingly endless possibilities of what might come from this imprisonment.
And what might not.
That's why people always end up doing stupid things they wished they hadn't.
And leave behind regrets and broken hearts.

I'm sorry

- That's it -

2010-07-22T22:44:00.003+08:00

I blame the school and this semester for making my life hell.
And I blame it for making me see the worst in others.
Including myself.

I hate that feeling when you feel you sometimes can't be a man.
That's just it.

- Met -

2010-07-17T02:43:00.002+08:00

I have totally exhausted all my options.
When is the right things to do?
When are the wrong things done?
No one will help.
Perhaps no one can.
Perhaps we are all trapped, struggling to reconcile with what we've lost when we've met.

I've lost all faith in the people whom I've always looked up to.

- Think -

2010-07-03T23:49:00.002+08:00

You think you're lonely because no one thinks about you
You think you lead a life that is ordinary, and that no one thinks about you
But we're all the same.
And they can't live without you.

I used to think about the days that I thought I was lonely.
But when we are plagued with life's most stressful moments,
we don't anymore.
We'll always make up excuses to say we have no time.
But we do.

Lonely people, don't look down on yourselves.
'Cause we're all alone.
When we say we have no time.

- Don't let me down -

2010-06-16T06:39:00.002+08:00

Gone are the days when it's so much relaxing to even speak.
Other days are even better when we were young.
.
A day hasn't gone by when I'd stop thinking about everything.
Where has all those days gone to?
All of it has disappeared.
Yes it's all gone.
.

- Lost -

2010-06-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

I don't feel like myself anymore.

- Waited -

2010-06-09T00:11:00.001+08:00

I'd wished the feeling was gone.
.
.
.
But I can'thelp feeling someone's gonna leave soon.

- Time for Tears -

2010-05-20T23:14:00.002+08:00

Two months it's been since I've blogged.
School is the only life I have.
.
.
.
.

I'm so tired of defending what I've becoming or haven't become.
The times that you hate me; it's inside, and it's between.

- Escape -

2010-04-01T00:51:00.002+08:00

If there were a place for me to escape from things that come too soon, I gotta connect with the one thing I fear the most.

- . -

2010-03-23T15:03:00.001+08:00

Boredom.

- A different life; different story -

2010-03-17T21:31:00.002+08:00

I can't seem to fit in.
The place, the people. Everything.
But a trip around Singapore taught me something.
You don't have to fit in to be part of something special, something bigger.

- Suckers -

2010-03-15T22:10:00.001+08:00

Currently listening: Run - Snow Patrol

Have you ever felt wronged?
The things you didn't do, become things you wished you weren't blamed for.
It's a horrible feeling.
You'd think that one day you can take it all back and prove that you're a better person to the people who accused you.
But it will never happen.
That's how second chances are created.
They are given to those who have committed a crime; given to those who had proven these people wrong in another way.
Offenders are victims of their people's past.
Certain things call for desperate measures.
There are things people do to set themselves free.
Even crimes.
And sometimes nothing can stop them.
Not even me.

I wish they would burn in hell.

- Grace -

2010-03-08T05:18:00.001+08:00

- What if one stranger comes into your life and gives up everything they have to help you find your way? -

- Hope; afraid -

2010-02-21T02:32:00.002+08:00

I know we'll feel liberated when the time comes.
When all these is over.
But I'm afraid of what comes with the newfound freedom:
Confusion

- Prison Break -

2010-02-17T17:36:00.000+08:00

Prison Break rocks.

- Tension -

2010-02-16T04:13:00.001+08:00

It's been a long time since I've taken a serious break.
I'm really exhausted from all the teen angst.
I really need someone to harshly threaten and scold me to motivate me.

So damn tired.

- Need to believe -

2010-02-09T22:36:00.002+08:00

I really want to believe that fairies still exists.
I want to believe that the real world is still far from reach.
I’m takin’ a chance here.
I need a second to breathe.
I promise I’ll do better.
Better than I’ve ever been.
And I’ll show you that you can take a chance on me.
I don't want this to end.
But I'm forced to face the truth.
I'm wasting my life away.
A virus spreading throughout people.
I don't want to be another victim.

- Back -

2010-02-08T22:22:00.001+08:00

I'm kinda' missing those moments.
I feel kinda abandoned. But I feel kinda loved at the same time.
Too much confusion.

- Moodswings -

2010-01-29T23:45:00.002+08:00

Currently listening : Run - Leona Lewis

I took a peek around facebook to see some profiles (Cause I'm bored, and I have no life DUH).
And a particularly one caught my eye.
I felt sad.
We didn't get to say our long goodbyes cause apparently I did something WRONG.
And I'd never know what was it.
It's because of your stupidity! Your naivety!
And I suffered because of it.
I'm utterly depressed.
I wanna find lots of chocolate and drown myself in it.

- Done -

2010-01-29T22:36:00.001+08:00

Everything's finished.
Well, besides exams of course.

- Desperation -

2010-01-28T22:36:00.000+08:00

The measures a desperate man would take.
I feel drained out.
No more energy. No more life. No genuine happiness.
The outlets, for which I rely on, ran out.
I don’t want to admit to becoming a soulless, emotionless being in order to conform and be part of something more.
I don’t want to deny the fact that I have frustrations; that I constantly struggle between real and fiction.

Why do I constantly force myself to listen to others? I don’t know.
Why do others space out just because they feel like it? I don’t know.
People often think they’re ignored; but they’re not.
I try to think that I’m not ignored, but I feel I am.
I’m really afraid to break down again. The last time hurt; and I promised not to fall again.
But every reason is telling me not to.
The truth: I feel pain in every place I tread on.
I’m not an emo’ freak.
But I admit:
I feel more alone than ever.
I can’t take it anymore.
Why can’t everyone just consume hatred and make peace?
I desperately hope everyone will make peace one day.
I guess I’m just frustrated because I feel so much hatred and anger from everyone.
I always try to smile and make people laugh.
My actions are for a reason: to give people a good enough reason to smile again after all the anger they’ve consumed.
But it turns out; everyone doesn’t treat me seriously after that.
I just need a friend to understand all of this. It’s as simple as that.
Like a man possessed, this is the measures a desperate man takes.

- Fool -

2010-01-25T22:51:00.002+08:00

Currently Listening: Round & Round - V Factory

I just don't get it.
Why is it so hard for people to apologize?

Just two words: "I'm Sorry".

Worst still, why can't people accept an apology and choose to continue to live in misery?
People, suck it up!
All those egocentricism should stop.

- Light up, light up -

2010-01-24T21:42:00.002+08:00

Currently Listening: Run - Snow Patrol

This whole week was tough.
But I'll try to be better.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I doI know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louderAnd
we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly doLight up...
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

- Reasons -

2010-01-21T12:53:00.003+08:00

All the reasons I give myself to make me feel better.
All the reasons people give to take it away.
I try all ways to conceal my vulnerability.
I use it to help others.

But I'm as afraid as you.
And I'm always taken advantage of.
My fears are exposed.